26 March, 2011


photocredit on photo

I feel so lost. So broken. So sad. I feel as if there is a rift growing between us. Like we're being pulled in seperate directions. I feel my gypsy's heart aching and crying for a change of pace, a new scene, undeniable love. I feel the rest of my soul aching and breaking to be with you, despite the doubt I house deep within. My gypsy heart frets and panics that it is stuck here, in a rut, in one place, for the rest of always. My soul cries out in pain at the very thought of leaving. I feel the lump in my throat, even now, as I think about it. Tears sting my eyes. I imagine my life without you. My soul is burning in eternal torment for it cannot imagine a single day without you, or remember happiness before you. My gypsy's heart gleams at the idea of something new and interesting and different. But it's not only my heart and soul that battle, it's my jealousy as well. I'm jealous of those who spend time with you, especially her. How I hate her. I'm also, as much as it pains me to say, jealous of you. You and your multitudes of friends. You and your open, loving personality. You and the fact that you're so personable. That people gravitate to you, trust you, love you. I love you because you aren't me, and I hate you because I am not you. But they say, "you can only hate those you once loved or still do." This is, of course, the latter. I love you dearly and hate you for everything I'm not. I can't stand to think of us growing apart, of losing this love. The tears burst from my eyes now, there is no holding them in.

I am afraid.

Afraid of losing you. Afraid of being broken. Afraid of missing out on chances because I'm too tangled up in wishing to be there. Afraid of missing you. Afraid of never being happy. Afraid of the future. Afraid of the distance. Afraid. I am so afraid.

I am lost.

Lost in the present. in the past, in the future. in life.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know how to fix this. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I can handle this all. If I am strong enough. I am weak, like slate, a stone, which appears as any stone, hard and strong and unbreakable, but instead is fragile and brittle and broken with the smallest stress.

Help me.

I can't lose you.

I need you.

I need change.

I need you.

P.S. Forgive me.forgive me for everything I'm not and everything I can'y be. Forgive me. Godm please forgive me.

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